T Rex's Ate My Truffles, Now My Garden's A Mess: Manly cooking (a cautionary tale)

So, I'm cooking dinner (lamb chops, yawn) on the BBQ. Things are going ok, flames are licking at the grill, getting it up to temperature with their flamey talents... Suddenly, sputtering! No, could it be!? Out of gas! The flames try their hardest, but they soon die out, imparting only just enough heat to the hotplate to raise a mild sizzle from a chop.

Undeterred, I pushed on. Figuring all I needed is fire, I went and found some pieces of wood & newspaper, with plans to apply some fire to the aforementioned items. The application of fire to paper & wood proved to be troublesome. Whilst it was working, it sure was taking it's sweet time spreading, and the small areas which were alight were simply not enough to pump out the heat to cook the meat.

In a haze of smoke and frustration, I considered my options...

1. Admit defeat and cook upstairs on the hotplate, LIKE SOME KIND OF IDIOT.

2. Use extremely flammable chemicals to kick things up a notch.

Being the smart guy I am, I opted for #2. I went and perused the selection of flammable liquids on hand. Kerosene? Nawh, flash point = too high. Methylated spirits? Perhaps. Petrol? Passé, but usable. Hello, what's this? Shellite!? Ding ding ding, we have a winner.

I hurry back to the BBQ with the trusty bottle o' Shellite in hand. Some spots of flame are still struggling on, bless their little hearts. Being as careful as one can when one is applying Shellite directly to fire, I decant a little bit into the bottle lid and delicately toss the contents of said lid onto the BBQ. In what can only be described as 'pretty badass', a sizeable fireball erupted from the BBQ. The paper & wood was now very much on fire. As were several sections of the BBQ's front panel, some floor tiles, and the bottle lid (still in my hand) which previously held this angry, angry liquid. Literally anything that had touched Shellite, or anywhere the Shellite had dripped, was now on fire.

So after putting out the numerous spot fires, I was generally pleased with how it all went. With a slightly higher heart rate than before, I went back to cooking. However, soon enough, the fire began to die back down, as if beckoning me to dowse it once again with it's favourite beverage; Shellite.

Being the smart guy that I am, I decided I would give the fire what it wanted... but on my terms. Rather than needlessly risk things being on fire again (floors, BBQ's, me, etc) I devised a more "safety first" strategy. Apply the Shellite to the chops, then apply the chops to the fire.

Duh.

So, I liberally splashed the "marinade" into a separate dish and gave each chop a dowsing. Then in true Australian style, I literally threw the chops onto the barbie, one at a time. With each chop, the inferno grew larger. Finally I was left with a tremendously roaring blaze which was probably visible on Google Earth (and you wouldn't even have to zoom in that far). As each chop exhausted its payload of liquid fire (the inferno raged around it, not in/on it), I pulled them out to inspect.

Total cooking time varied per chop from 2 to 3.5 minutes. And you know what? They were cooked to perfection. What's more, they were actually pretty damn good. They tasted just like regular chops, but with the added taste of satisfaction that comes with dangerously large fires in a domestic setting.